Thursday, February 23, 2012


I've been blaming my busy life for my failure to update this blog very often. And that is partly true. The other guilty party is Twitter. I tend to tweet about silly things the kids say or do more often that I blog about them lately.

Here's a good one from C (newly five-years-old) from today:

  • "Mom, is it okay if I say the word 'shit'?" (Uh, nope.) "Okay."

And from Twitter over the past few months:

  • "Don't lick my bandaid." (One twin to the other.)
  • Most important events of 2011, according to M (age 9): Osama bin Laden killed and The Muppets released.
  • Just found out parent meeting for daughter's new Brownie troop will be at Tanners [a bar]. Love this troop already..
  • Just got into major argument with my husband abt Jay-Z. Of course, he was drunk. My husband, not Jay-Z.
  • My directionally challenged husband: "Did you know Martin City isn't at 151st and Kenneth Road anymore?" Yeah, it never was...Good God
  • My 4YO has suddenly turned Canadian. Keeps telling me to "forgetabootit".
  • I have been anointed as the "worst mom ever" by my smallest kid. Just surprised it took until after 5 o'clock
  • "I wish only Dad & me lived here. Not you." So says the 4YO, who follows it up with "I'm ready to be nice now. Can I go outside?"
  • I've seen (but don't understand) husband/wife FB accts before. Today, I saw a joint LinkedIn acct. Is there a rational explanation for this?
  • My 4yo just informed me that "booty" is not a bad word. And that marshmellows are now called "barfmellows". Oh, to be 4...
  • One of my four year olds just told me he was going to bed. Is now putting himself to bed. Aaaaaand, he's back. "Just kidding," he says.
  • Call me a bad mom if you will but preschool Christmas programs are excruciating.
  • I hope they don't discover that Febreze causes cancer at some point. My existence (with 3 sons & a husband) depends on Febreze. Ew.
  • Yesterday, all of my kids were singing Red Solo Cup. Today, Friday by Rebecca Black. 2012 goal? Force my kids to listen to better music.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Okay, fine. I'll post something.

I received a not-so-subtle email this morning, lodging an "OFFICIAL COMPLAINT" that this blog hasn't been updated since August. Thanks for the kick in the ass, friend who used to clean the popcorn machine and rewind VHS tapes with me at the video store we worked at in high school. (And that, dear readers, will tell you approximately how old I am. I worked at a video store that rented VHS tapes - and had a creepy porn section in the back corner and no one apparently thought it was weird that high school kids stocked, rewound and sold from that section daily. And remember that time when we had to pull all of the Traci Lords tapes because it came out that she was underage? Okay, enough about the video store.)

I would say sorry for the digression but it's actually frighteningly on-topic. You'll see.

Earlier this school year, I gifted my 10-year-old son with my trusty Merriam-Webster dictionary. The edition that saw me through late elementary, junior high, high school, college, law school (supplemented by Black's Law Dictionary) and life. I believe it has my maiden name in fifth-grade scrawl inside the front cover.

He needed it for spelling assignments - write the definition, use the word in a sentence-type stuff.

At Christmas, I gifted the same son with an iPod Touch with which he was immediately obsessed. He became a voracious YouTube consumer. Mostly, Japanese animation and Power Rangers.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I walked into his room one morning to make sure he was getting ready for school. He was sitting on the floor, hunched over the dictionary. I asked him what he was doing. "Just looking up the word 'dildo'," he said nonchalantly.

"Hmm. Where'd you hear that word, buddy?"


"Hmm. Well, you better close the book and get ready for school, please."

And I left.

And he never said another word about it. Thank God.

I am a coward and clearly not cut out for parenthood.

(On another day, he told me he needed to look up "porno". We are currently in the midst of an indefinite YouTube ban in our house.)